mybiography pt 1

Monday, September 28, 2009

my biography pt 1

my biography

Wednesday, June 27, 2007
my biography
9/29/2008 alvin
born 13 8 42
st paul mn
all 4 grandparents
lutheran immigrants from sweden w. a dose of born again on my fathers side. here is my online yichus:
in my mothers fathers line were aristocrats
& monarchs leading
to 12 scot 8 english 11 french kings (our family has done so much for france & england we should be honored on eu coins) 5 egyptian
ptolemaic monarchs (this is a greek dynasty) alexander the great 7
roman emperors 14 judean kings including king david & his
descendants which would include
jesus who is a side (not direct) rellie.  im very proud of being a direct descendant of wm. the conqueror. im most proud of being a direct descendant of david of israel. but going back that far is iffy
then there are charlemagne, roman emperors (im a direct descendant of octavia minor/theyounger the sister
of augustus) claudius 1 theodosius1 & 2 the 3 constantines (the great constantine was at least part jewish & he made christ'y the state religion). mark anthony is direct. im direct from lady godiva. ive
always admired nudists. wish i had the gumption to be one occasionally). i know a nude guru in india who lives at hardware (sic). ive always been drawn to nudism. i used to not wear underpants. if id wear short outer pants & would cross my legs id get snickers. my uncle herb and some boys in fiji were snickerers. im a 27th
cousin of queen elizabeth who i
refer to as my
or that yiddische mama. our common ancestors are king david 1 of scotland & william the conqueror.

some genealogists have queen elizabeth 2 a direct ancestor
of king david of israel. whether she is or not doesnt effect my descent from david of israel for ive a different route from david of israel than she. on the joan rivers phone in show i asked one of liz’s genealogists if liz was a king david descendant & he said no. im hoping he was wrong.  for awhile the royal family were touting itself as descendants of israelite royalty.  i like the british

israelite idea of much jewish influence in british royalty & the nation as a whole.  those jews who have been in the non northern european diaspora &
who today everybody calls jews are legitimate imo. why isnt ancient england considered part of the diaspora. there are
many yichuses (hebrew for genealogy) on the net that show elizabeth being david of israels

descendant. for my descent from david of israel i have joseph ben matthat of arimathea, anna of arimathia, caswallon lud (london was named for him), tenvantius of britain, cymbeline pendragon of siluria (, aviragus, marius meric ....richizza riksa swantoslawa, sofia volodarovna .... otto von scheiding. joseph of arimathea has been said to have gone to britain after the crucifixion of jc. this started the involvement of britain w. israel. british israelites mayve made too much of this

it makes sense that christian royals would be descended from jewish ones for royals are very keen to

have descent from other royals to increase their legitimacy. im a 29th cousin 9 times removed of george bush 2. our common ancestor is wm. the con. (bill the conk). im also

supposed to be descended from darius the great of persia. since i & all the english monarchs
since wm. are direct descendants of wm. the conqueror (who came from the norwegian viking/french treaty which formed the hybrid norman nation) im related to all the

post conquest monarchs laterally. lateral rels arent so impressive as direct ones.
im related to most of & prolly all of the anglosaxon monarchs. pick a living famous person & you are no more than a
50th cousin
of same. i read this somewhere. i dont know if its true. a 16th cousin of mine bob hvitfelt is a 20th cousin of the queen. hes an expert w. a phd on the xhosa language that was nelson mandelas first language. my 10th
cousin patrik ringborg is a
orchestra conductor in europe. when i was 10 i wanted to become a soc myself. its nice to

know ive a relative who is one. now i can be a soc by proxy.
he compiled the
yichus (hebrew, genealogy) that ive taken the
above people from. he has the yichus online. my name isnt in
it but my direct ancestors margareta fleming & margareta von massenbach & their

husbands are. to see the connexion between me & these women & their husbands go to
upstream of these women or their husbands are my direct ancestors except for those
containing ingeborg eriksdotter (1214-54). it seems this supposed wife of jarl birger magnusson isnt
considered valid by some. some yichuses give her as his wife.

jonas of a swedish nobility website says she couldntve been the mother of greger birgersson the link to me. i dont know why this is the case. his father is jarl birger magnusson who i believe
was a king of sweden. this is a mystery to me for how can the mother of one not be known unless the boy was illegitimate & birger wanted to keep the matter quiet. in those days bastardy was no big thing. and my
yichuser has a date for their marriage. in any case none of my claims above are based on ingeborgs line. dag
hammarskjold is a 9th
cousin 4 times
removed. since ive 4 swedish grandparents why would i be related to so many kings &
emperors on the european mainland. us moderns are not the first generations to have moved from country to country. when the normans took over england they confiscated the estates of the anglosaxons & the later were worried theyd be killed. so they went abroad to n. europe esp germany where their forefathers had come from & some went as far as byzant. ive 4 doctors in my relation. 3 w. phd
degrees. i loved my paternal grandparents. they were so open & real. i dont recall them
ever telling me a lie except when gpa said his brother died of a heatstroke. in fact even in sweden the brother swan (alternative spelling of sven) was considered feebleminded. he
died at the anoka mn mental hospital. anoka is now world famous as the real lake woebegone of the radio show prairie home companion. ive been on nyc talk radio 85 times. bob grant got to know me

& toward the end hed put me on first. when hed get an old woman on w. a deep scratchy cigarette voice he mimick her. thats when he was at his best. my parents were introduced to each other by a toxic woman called elsa nelson (hellson). this woman ran her mouth viciously. she was the wife of my mothers first cousin henry nelson who was literally a bastard & a communist. when our family would go to holiday get togethers (called kalosar in swedish) this woman would attack me

relentlessly. its because id make sassy comments abt. politix. im sure she regretted having introduced my parents to each other if only because i was one of the results of that meeting. i dont think she attacked me when dad was alive but after he died i suppose i felt stroppy enough to take her on & she didnt like it. i shouldve avoided all family get togethers except ones held at our house

where i wouldve had more status. i hope she rots in hell. she was a leftist who believed if one didnt live thru the depression one was not entitled to live at all. the abuse that children go thru completely unaware of this abuse! my mothers father was stiff. guess it
was the blue blood in his veins. that whole family are that way even tho for a while at least one member of the family lived in a dugout. one time gpas daughter frannie (my godmother) caught him in an impropriety w. a cow. call him govinda who pleased cows. but all of us

grandkids got a nice inheritance from him. enough to almost pay my college tuition. my
mothers mother died 14 days after i was born. she was depressive & would do snits that kept her in her bedroom for 3 days at a time. i didnt get to know her but i dont think i missed
much. ive had enough of suicidals/depressives/passiveagressives. then grandpa would make her waffles & serve them in bed & all was well again. she had the father of one of my mothers

psychiatrists as a psychiatrist & was once hospitalised for depression. anyone planning on marrying should check out the family history for mental disease. i askt feeleep (more later) if
hed ever been hospitalised for depression. gma should never have left sweden. she was so devoted to her mother. luckily frank & she went back to sweden to visit mom. gma millies unhappiness passed down to my mother who was suicidal. gma blamed mom (the suicidalism was already apparent) for being a crabby baby & later made mom into a sort of servant of the younger daughters. she was very manipulative as

weak people tend to be. she may have even blamed mom for the death during delivery of her first child. some of mas mottoes are as follows. sticks & stones may break my bones but words will never harm me. what one says cant be taken back. fight for your rights. the first 2 contradict each other. it is important that one not has conflicting beliefs. dad was of nazi
temperament & during
ww2 oversaw quality control at a munitions factory employing 1000 people. no wonder he
became so perfectionist. he was unyielding in keeping a precise beat when he had his band. in a hotel room in berlin i felt the spirit of my dad. squeaky clean efficiency.

sure he wouldve been happier in a munitions factory in germany. he wouldve made a crack nazi. im on a holocaust denier website posting under the name
the_almighty. if you are curious it doesnt cost anything to join & by doing so you can go to my profile & click on view all posts & get a sample of my work. i mightily oppose holocaust denying. history made to order. thats why my ratings on lf are so low on that board. i just quit contacting a
friend of mine of 20 ys for he recently pulled the blaming the jews rant on me. he seems to blame the jews for everything wrong in the world. these people kill the

jews. claim they didnt do it. then say that god will kill them for they are wicked. my former friends name is jack yoos of sagle id & hasnt paid state or federal income taxes for 40 ys.
he does tax nonpayment seminars. hes never been contacted by the irs. when i met jack in hi i mustve told him im projewish.then he told me that he had no prejudice against jews
or blacks. but hes bisexual & i imagine he was trying to make a good impress on me. in future if

i see a friendship developing w. someone im going to ask what it thinks of jews. ive
noticed that the children of immigrants have the hardest time adjusting. they dont know if they should consider themselves yanks or members of the old country. identity is the stuff of psychology.

erik erikson focused on identity. kids tease immigrant kids in school for their accent. i think thats what happened to my uncle
george. in revenge he became a genius at teasing. psychology is all abt identity. dad was born in s. dakota, moved to sweden w. the family when he was 5, was tapped by the
lutheran priest to go to seminary but the family didnt have the money to send him (this was presocialist sweden). he was therefore very frustrated & insecure later in life. he had many false starts in the us & died very frustrated.

mom was a mousy suicidal mood
swinger going
from chronic depression to
acute. i wrote her epitaph. 'caroline hakanson aka jeanne e. marr'. the latter when pronounced in the french manner means

'ive had enough' in french. jeanne marr was her self chosen nom de
plume. she had a poem published in the mpls paper. she certainly had had enough of life most of her life. in fact her life could have been called a prolonged death. her tastes in men ran to
germans. i guess she liked the authoritarian types. she was very weak & she wanted someone strong to lean on. walter wasnt strong. only 1 letter separates walter from water. he was as unstable as water. he was a borderline case meaning like me

hed do temper tantrs. she rarely had a taste
for life. she was necrophile (love of death) in disposition...when anyone died shed always say it was a blessing...shedve made a good undertakers assistant...she was too depressed
to be the chief undertaker. my idea of proper processing of the dead is to dry them out in drying houses making them into mummies. i believe under extreme drying conditions the bones fall apart

& fit nicely into a box no longer than the thigh bones. or if one wants to maintain more reality one can retain the ligatures & skin & use a full size box. then mama can be kept in the attic for memorial services from time to time. her mother made her into a drudge & complained from her birth about her lousy disposition (grandma shouldve lookt in the mirror to see one of sour dispo)(i shouldve worked around mas disability in order to have given her time to strengthen) though when

mom got old & fat she could be almost jolly between depressions. i think depressions are misnamed. they should be called quiet terrors/rages or
snits. snit comes from the hebrew word meaning thornbush. shed certainly go into thornbushes. her nom de plume (i wrote non de plume a subcon slip) was apt. she had had enough of life from day one. only
shock treatment would bring her out of her nervous breakdowns
except for her first one in
1924 when
unity (metaphysics) & iron shots did the trick. she
conveniently forgot
abt. the metaphysics in subsequent crashes for imo consciously she used
depression as a coping mechanism. it let her get off the hook of self responsibility for longer by playing the deprest role as long as she could. my how she hated shock therapy which broke the tape

loop that kept her deprest! she was very manipulative. mousy people are that way. and she liked to punish herself god & her 'loved' ones by doing snits.
many of the ‘origin unknown’s in dix are really hebrew words. but racism is very great in the word community. that is why the indoeuropean &

semitic languages have never been connected by our word gods. such mousy people as
mum have to be sneaky in order to get their way for they dont have the strength to fight for their interests openly. at 742 magnolia there were no private interests. she always told us kids to fight for our interests since she knew that fighting for her interests was her chief weakness & she didnt want us repeating her mistakes. the
eastern religions would say she had a very bad attachment (for nb's) & for easterners
all attachments
except god are bad & god is not an
attachment for we are god in their/my opinion. her second nb was in 1957. she was going thru a very difficult menopause & was on medication. to me all people on
medication or other toxins are problem people. thats just one of the reasons i dont touch drugs not even prescription drugs not even aspirin. anyone using ascorbic acid in capsules would never use aspirin again.
on 18 feb 57 id
to see a certain show on tv but tom (the old
man) wanted some other show. i slammed down my glasses on the floor & he
if id broken them he wouldve killed me. i was
threatened by him w. death
many times. im lucky he was a bs'er. most people are. id say abt 99% of human communicats (often i cut off latin endings which to me are tedious) are bluffs. man should be called homo bluffer. early the
next am while packing a lunch for him to take to work mom slipped out into the 19 below zero
weather of
feb. 19 1957, walked abt 700 ft. & lay down under some brush in her

nightgown on the property of he who would later become mn's governor harold levander. levander was a phoney imo because when he was gov. he said there would be no sales tax unless the people approved of it in a referendum. to my knowledge there was no referendum. mn got the sales tax anyway. im proud to say he or his heirs sold his mansion & its since
been torn down. how the mighty are fallen. when mom was malingering in st. paul in 72 i contacted levander abt allowing a road to go thru adjacent to his property so i could sell mas property on the

other side of the property allocated for a road. hed have no part of it even tho we belonged to the same church which he never
attended. religious hypocrisy. now the hood is full of small homes even on congress av where he prevented them being built for a time. mom later quit paying taxes on her lot on that av & lost the lot to the city. tom (walter) & i (i was flattered that he picked me to go w. him instead of

james his darling) tracked her footsteps &
found her lying in her nightgown under some brush. 5 min
later she wouldve been dead they said at the hoz. this is one breakdown that i dont think
was faked. in her 3rd breakdown she also wandered down the sidewalk in her nightgown in the winter her favorite time for throwing darkies. she was spotted by her renter who i guess convinced her to to inside. i call it the ophelia (hamlet) syndrome. mas dad said it couldve been worse. we couldve found a knife in her. he knew she was mental for he witnessed the first breakdown when she was
going thru menarchy. why dont suitors check w. the suiteds family to detect mental illness. she lay in bed for 1 yr. today parents wouldnt allow a child to do this. it sets up a bad pattern of behavior. it rewards kids for being or playing at being sick. i believe mental illness can be cured or diminished by hormones. during
her 7th dive in mo i tried to get her a certain psychiatrist i knew of who treated mental illnesses w. hormones but the doc was all booked up. in hoz in 57 ma complained to the psychiatrist that she
was beset by her motherinlaw mandy. the real reason was mawas a wimp & couldnt stand up for her interests. her nb's
really broke up the family which is probably
good thing. everyone needs to break free of family at some point for
mental health reasons. we need to divorce our ‘loved’ ones to get our sanity develop our individuality unless we that unusual breed that keeps a firm hold on our wills when dealing w. these people. in

india theres a tradition that men retire to the jungle to meditate & thus improve their
spiritual position for us for it makes me feel good. in their next life i believe in eternal life the science of establishing the worth of beliefs is called epistemology. my e’y is whatever makes me feel good. this e’y rids philosophy of lots of its hypocrisy. the break w. ‘loved ones’ need not necessarily be a complete break.
but a break
reliance on/worship of others. to this day i tend to worship ‘the other’ either persons or other things which i learnt from mum. others must be removed from god status. but its great to see another as at least the start of divinity. even if they believe they are god theyre not likely to demonstrate this esp when dealing w. people who dont believe theyre god (more later). of course all (except say retarded)(wouldnt it be funny if we find out that the retarded are playing games w. wouldnt surprise me).
mental cases are phoneys imo. its true they dont know how to avoid their sense of despair but if they were honest theyd ask until they found the secret. i honor my
parents when theyre honorable & dishonor them when dishonorable. they
were good providers, were faithful
to each other as far as i know, were never drunk. they taught us to be polite in public. but there was little initiation into life skills. they didnt show us the ropes. mom
championed me many times so tom never got a chance to break my spirit or
bones. but
were too self absorbed to be good parents. they shouldnt have had kids. they shouldve
both stayed single. i think tom toyed w. the idea of not having kids for he didnt marry until he was 35. ive 2 clues that he mightve been somewhat gay or more likely bisexual. if so he wouldve been the type to like adolescents. he sure had the tumult of mind that besets many of us gays. before marriage he had a swedish dance band including some of his brothers. he shouldve stayed in the entertainment biz. he went to accordion school w. lawrence welk & was a fanatic abt seeing welks show on tv. often wed be at gmas house when the show was on. in those days tvs used to scroll up vertically. it was as if one was on an elevator. once i sat concealed up the staircase & wait for the tv to scroll. dad would go bananas. esp i liked it when the scroll was very slite as if to torment my dad. of course i didnt laugh out
loud.he was great in public. a born entertainer. but at home he was a mr. hyde. as for fun/holidays i wish employers would give their help say 7 holidays per yr of the latters own choosing. this way offices could stay open at least 6 days a week every week & make it nice for those who dont like holidays to keep busy if we desired to. before marriage. mom had toyed w. the idea of being an old maid librarian. she lookt like being an unclaimed blessing. she said she wouldve done librairying if she hadnt had prospects by age 30. i still wouldve been born since i believe in reincarnation. im glad nowadays easily one can
get by without
having kids. i think idve been a very poor parent. i had poor models. if one wants to become an adult psychologically one needs to divorce oneself from ones parents/get them off ones back. too many problems. but problems make us strong if we dont buckle under. there are those who are so mature they can handle their parents. but this inevitably means condescension that can be noticed by the parents. or an adult child can play the role of psychologist w. the parents & not be
condescending.. were to hate our family if they get in the way of our spiritual develop.
i have 1 brother james. a 2 boy
family is not good. at my age of 37 he threw away my favorite childhood teddy bear (Big
Guy). that teddy saw me through a whole lot of what i considered to be injustice. james was just being spiteful. he hates my guts. but hes thanked me for pushing him into bornagain & teaching him the beauty of algebra. he wont be truly bornagain unless he gets into advaita.
more abt that later. imo children shouldnt be punished. if theyre in mortal danger the parent should take them out of the danger without
punishing them. if the parent wants to concentrate the parent should put the child in another place. when ive trouble w. my rabbit clamboring for attention & i want to do a task i put her in another
room. my paranoia started w. tom & james having both their heads in one hat in order to ridicule me. i remember when j. played on the word hague (i suppose he meant to play on hag..........these people werent wordsmiths) & hawkie my
nickname. my fathers childhood nickname was hawkie too & i think he used me to punish himself for his own sins. hell never be a state of the art punster. his name was hakanson too & i couldve easily directed the same pun on him. tom & he would pretend to go to gmas & go to the movies together cuz i didnt like westerns & watching the more feminine/sentimental movies id cry. if im reincarnated im going to make sure i dont have either of them in my new family. he would sometimes get very disturbed & put out that funky smell of a mad dog. the tree of heaven puts out the same smell when one squeezes the leaf. j. is condescending & cunningly peasantlike/ in condescent toward me & thinks he can charm anything out of me. lately i told
him i didnt like him. PERHAPS THE MOST POWERFUL SENTENCE IN ANY LANGUAGE IS ‘I DONT LIKE YOU’. IVE USED IT TO A VERY POWERFUL EFFECT. oops! i dont think he was ready for that. ive always doted on him. hope he doesnt take to the bottle. i shouldve known that & told him that decades ago. but id tease him & pet him which i now
know was an expression of love/hatred. oh how we suffer from mixt feelings. en famille this is where we notice mixt emotions the most. in a crisis we should ask ourselves just what feeling we want to concentrate on at the moment. later we can go back to our emot queue. much of our craziness is due
to not separating out our emotions & not dealing w. them one at a time. i dont know if this is possible. its a nice idea. but our rage usually is due to our belief that we are stupid somthing our parents mayve told us over & over. i havent tried it yet. james was the typical spoilt youngest child. w. 2 brothers there is too much testosterone & only one other to let it out on. 2
scorpions in a
bottle. ones sibling/enemy is always the same person. each of us was working to
make ourselves the center of the universe. we are the center cuz were god. we were raised in
largely swedish enclave of st. pauls east side. we lived one block from the lovely winding wheelock parkway which connects 2 parks como & phalen. my first movements in moms womb were on easter the year i was born. mom took it as an omen. at age 3 I fell in love w. a christian broadcast on radio. i think it was on wlol in the twin cities. mom showed me how the clock hands would be when it it was time to turn it on & i turned on the radio myself to hear rev. clauwitters voice (psalm of life) that i loved so well. i remember one time j & i sailed our toy sailboats on lake phalen. years later he wanted my blessing on his marriage & since there was so much divorce in sharnies family i wasnt keen on the marriage. she has a very flat/strident voice which indicates that one is out of ones depth. but in my imagine i saw the 2 of them paddling a canoe on lake phalen & that decided me on giving him the ok. im a romantic & i dont know if this is good or bad. i suppose as w. everything theres good & bad romanticism. one of my first strong sex turn ons was when our family were driving thru phalen park & i saw the strongly veined hand of a man driving past us w. his hand on the window edge. ive always been bowled over by big cleanly shaped arm & hand veins on a boy or young man. its a fetish w. me. i suppose it represents phy. & mental strength both things i lack. imo
ones golden years are
the years before the hormones kick in. we sink into sodom as the hormones work their wills on us. then as we age mercifully the madness recedes. as i think back
on those years a golden
suffuses them. recently i called the woman who lives in my boyhood home at
521 e. nevada av in st. paul. (ive been boycotting mn for 31 ys.......havent entered it since then). its amazing how many people mrs. stroeing & i know in common! there was a neighbor boy george shardlow who used to walk past our house and rave abt armadillo
toothpaste. i still dont get the joke. hes now a gay therapist in sanfr. one of the worst things abt sex w. people we dont know is the perception of alien we have of the partner & the partner w. us. on the east side we had a wonderful next door neighbor hazel chadwick who i think of
as a
hindu for she did head & palm readings. i think she was the glow i now
sense that was in the
neighborhood. she was officially episcopal but was far beyond that universe & when ma needed support she could always
count on hazel chadwick. she was from a canadian english family & since the english had lots of military in india its possible she got the indian influence from someone in her family
who had been 'out theah'. there were
many so called born again people in the hood. one was a drunk, one suicided, 2 went to jail, one got knocked up before marriage & 1 became a lesbian. & then there was me who
became the gay. in surveys when people are asked if theyre happy they say yes. wouldnt it be wonderful if people could just admit their unhappinesses. ma knew she wouldnt get
support from the born again women even though ma was technically born again herself.
bornagains are full of cant/cranking. the bible is no match for modern psychology. there are 10 step programs for those who want to get outta bornagain. ive stayed in it but only w. the help of udwet. suicidal mom hid her bornagainness until very late in life so she wouldnt have to deal w. inquisitive people who would wonder that she was so deprest. alice peterson up the
street was a steely bornagain full of cant & thinly disguised contempt for those different from her & ma didnt like her. occasionally theyd have coffee together. steel & caffeine. at abt 5 ys of age i stole a pocket knife from the petersons. ma made me go alone up to
their house & return it. of course ma was a secretive type so she wouldnt like the strict type that mrs. peterson was. ma was afraid shed be found out as a coward as im sure was abundantly clear to alice anyway. ma didnt like the strict side of me either. that was one of the things that caused her to refuse me to live w. her after 83. also she was
afraid id get so used to living w. her that i wouldnt be able to live alone when she was gone. sleepwalkerlike she had gone forward to accept christ at a service at the payne av evangelical free church when she was 7. at one point after that she had a waking vision of being
in an auditorium where people were seated according to their righteousness. if this bio seems a study in being spaced out it is. but this is the way i see the world. i can exist only
by being spaced out amap. if everyone was as honest as i am wed all see/face the insanity of the world. christian science calls this insanity mortal mind. it is analogous to a nightmare. in moms waking dream the higher up you were the more
righteous. she was in the last row of the balcony so close to the ceiling that her head was scrunched down. she was thus the most righteous person in the theatre. of course really righteous people dont go to auditors. she was the most righteous person in the auditor. or
maybe it was a church auditor. normally she had a very high opinion of herself (perhaps too high & this caused the mood swinging for she couldnt sustain this high opinion all the time). but when she would crash i believe she hated herself, those around herself & god. to her, physical existence had no value. life is a balancing
act. had she balanced her moods day by day she wouldntve set herself up for crashes. she wasnt in touch w. her subconscious which i call a part of the dim consciousness. tom wasnt
all sternness. occasionally he would buy us candy & hide it around the house. when in a good mood hed get down on the floor, put a pillow on his head, growl like a bear, chase us & give us a whisker rub. this we called burr down on the floor. he had a friend who would come over to play cribbage & drink port wine named walfrid sellborn. walfrid drank another rich wine called communism. his room was lined w. com books. walfrid used to live as a boarder w. the hakansons on 10th av s in s st paul.
sellborn means happy child in swedish. he was a stutterer & james & i would laugh when hed start stuttering. tom got mad at us & warned us abt laughing. when we thought walfrid was abt to stutter we made a mad rush to our bedroom to laugh. im sure walfrid could hear us laughing in the room.
when people have disabilities they should laugh at them w. the rest of the world. but as tom got older he got more and more grumpy. it mightve been due to the brain tumor that mustve been developing. he died from it in 1958, which was part of the international geophysical year, which lasted 1.5 ys. saturdays he & us 2 kids would go down the nearest shopping street
payne av. to
jacobsons swedish bakery (there was another bakery on payne av called lofroths but it was norwegian which wouldnt do) to buy cinnamon rolls & cinnamon
toast &
take the 50 ford in for maintenance. the owner of the shop otto (a name is a destiny)
nelson was a very independent swede. at times hed close down the garage
on saturdays his busiest day
to go fishing. before my birth i had a great uncle who owned first one then another bar on payne av. hed left a pregnant girl in sweden. his name was frank nordstrom. some swedes used to call payne av
snuss blvd. snuss is swedish for snuff, a
popular item w. some of the old swedes. swedes also have a reputation for drinking. but our family on both sides had exposure to the born again churches of sweden. so they tend not to be very lite or nondrinkers. as a kid in the nearby baptist church in sweden tom would blow sneezing powder at the preacher to interrupt his sermon & tickle womens ankles w. a feather at the end of a stick. in mn every summer solstice wed go to minnehaha park
in mpls for the swedish 'midsummer' celebration held near 21 june. to me
midsummer is around the middle of july. but the swedes like most nationalities often lack logic. americans have that same deficiency. james & i started school at wheelock pkwy school just 2 blocks away. i had a habit of getting fresh w. girls. i kissed 2 of them judy telschow & linda
dantoni. after that mom put a stop of me playing w. girls. in grade school i used to adore lynn ostebo from a distance. w. her slimness & blond hair & ethereal nature she reminded me of mom. but when i was about 8 my clumsiness in playing baseball played a strong role in turning me gay. if you want to know how boys become gay go to in the 60’s i once went to a place on the banks of the mississippi near the u. of m. where students of the uni. used to skinny dip. they were mainly straights but prolly w. represt gay desires. im an open emotional person & immediately got hard upon which one person loudly noted that fact to the crowd. luckily there was no violence. i remember one guy asking me what i thought of the cabala. sex & religion are the ultimate aspirations of man. tom hastings a shy little old looking gay i knew fr. the bars used to frequent the place. hew liked to look but i never knew of him doing sex. he was a regular at grays drug store above which bob dylan used to live when he appeared at the 10 oclock scholar dive where he performed. tom used to work at perines book store next door. im not the type who pretends to be straight when ive gay feelings. when i was 15 the neighbor girl joyce gilde got in the back seat of our family car in the garage & was in a playful mood. when things got hot i locked the garage doors. soon mom & the girls father carl gilde were at the door knocking to get in. early on i got the message that my dealings w. girls were a problem to be avoided at all costs. ive noticed that gays tend to come from very strict homes. i think jc saw this & gave us a lefthanded compliment in the gospels. the word dike comes from the greek word dyke meaning the
goddess of justice. is there any question that hillary is a goddess of justice. of all the schools i went to in my life farnsworth school (grades 4-6) was my favorite. it was set far back from arcade
st in majestic dignity. i had been conceived only 2 blocks away above a drugstore. it was the years just before the hormones kicked in so i still regarded authority figures as divine.
imo in the years 10 thru 12 we get our greatest sense of the world & especially teachers being divine. we had a principal named mrs.heinemann who mustve been a german asset
(spy) during ww2. she was a martinet. we had to march from the school bldg & across arcade st. before we could break rank. we were on the 'platoon' system in that each class moved from classroom to classroom. when i was in 5th grade my mother invited my teachers to the house for lunch. i was so proud. i got to ride w. my music teacher mrs waldman who i adored. but once she roundly scolded me for staying on on a do gooder job without her
permission of loading a truck w. newspapers the school had collected. remember the paper drives? 50s america was a model of fascism. my first career choice was to be a garbage collector. this bio is a fulfillment of that. second was to be a symphony orchestra conductor. i got that by proxy. my cousin named above is one. in order to become one one must first learn the piano. my little fagot fingers couldnt reach the octave comfortably. ive devised a new piano keyboard & music notation. . 6th grade i was so nervous at one point that i got a mystery infection & stayed home 5 weeks. i couldnt lift my head from the pillow. ma said she was going to get dr. johanson to see me. i said cant you punish me in some other way. children are natural c. scientists. she let me
heal at my own pace. i think it was meningitis. at abt that time james & i got 2 ducks for easter. in the winter the only thing theyd eat was boiled oatmeal. they were cold outside in a dog kennel built into the garage. ma fixt the oatmeal but got tired of so doing so sneakily
she arranged for the milkman to take them to his farm. being sneaky she popped this on us at the last moment before we had a chance to take countermeasures. had i had more moxy/time/testosterone idve offered to cook the
oatmeal myself & feed them. this experience formed a scar. also after that i had a pair of nesting parakeets. the female died after the first baby was born. this was because id given her nesting food instead of the regular birdseed. she needed both. i was devastated. i think experiences like these are what make people sadistic.
james had a pair of rabbits that were savaged one nite wolverinelike. after the wolf/dog mosquitoes & snakes the next on my list of animal id like to extinguish is the wolverine. ive noticed a sadisticness in j’s treatment of animals since then. its important for kids to have pleasant/nurturing experiences w. pets as kids if the latter are to grow into healthy adults. as a child of abt 3 a dog chased me home & thru our back door. ive always hated dogs. i got that from my mother. i think people have dogs to prove to the world they
are normal & also to expand their 2 bit empires of belongings. mom
couldnt stand furry animals. when mom was abt 2 her great aunt robertson had placed a kitten on mom & laughed when mom became terrified of it & wouldnt remove it. her sister franny had a cat & at one point mom was so terrified of it that she crawled on the floor so that the cat outside wouldnt see her. she felt the cat was demonic. as a child she once encountered a
chicken chick w. a broken leg. she made a brace for it. this is typical of her tenderness. too bad she couldntve learnt how to express rage & added it to her repertoire. once tom brought home a stray dog he found while hunting & wanted to keep it. mom said no & wouldve thrown a severe quiet darkie had he insisted on it. now im making up for the frustration w. pets by having a house rabbit called honey. ive had her 2 ys & no problems yet. except abt once a week she used to get diarrhea. but im learning what foods to not give her which should eliminate the diarrhea. she loves pulse but it gives her the big d. she cant digest seeds of any sort. in
1954 we moved to s st paul
which i didnt
like. it was much closer to the cottage grove 3m plant where tom worked. plus his parents had lived there since 23 when they reimmigrated form sweden. the e. side was more genteel. s.
st.paul had a big stockyards (i think it is still the 2nd biggest livestock market in the us, though they dont do much if any slaughtering anymore). the abattoirs
gave the residents a coarseness. if you want a glimpse into a slaughterhouse read sinclairs book called the jungle. a bad karma place.
as i now see it. our pastor at bethesda lutheran church was merle carlson a right left winger. the best thing he did for me was bury tom. in 8th grade i was noticed as very shy. it was in mr. smiths class that someone (i think judy peterson) organised a practical joke on me that turned me temporarily psychotic. in the hall outside the classroom as i was leaving a guy held me down as several of the girls tried to kiss me. perhaps yet another cause of my gayness.i dreamt of buying a pistol & going postal. one of the pleasants of ssp high school were the following. lennie evanoff had beautifully veined arms. he was a loner who id like to have spoken some encouraging words to. he awoke smoldering passion in me. prolly the best looker of them all was art schletty. jet black hair & flawless very lite skin. but he didnt have the ease of converse & the slyness that are necessary for full sex appeal. george root i beleive had the moistest skin of anyone ive known & it was flawless. he was a romantic loner. his moistness suffused his whole personality & he was gifted w. slyness. i dont care what dried up old maid teachers say abt teens having clammy palms. i looooooovem! eat yer hearts out schoolmoms. theres a pic of jim kennedy in either the 60 or 63 hs yearbook showing him leaping up to make a basket & showing his lovely arms that speak of eternity. the plumbing on his tall spare body was divine & my udwet mayve started there. the grace of his gamesmanship couldve launched 1000 ships. i couldve torn down a bldg because of this kind of passion engendered in me. that wimpy pic of me in the yearbook took radioactive self control. i believe richard reylik had designs on me but didnt get off first base. when i heard some day my prince will come on the wonderful world of disney i thought of him. tall skinny which gave me a feeling of his potency. a few ys ago i called dean michelson & commented abt his beautiful skin. he giggled like a schoolgirl. but then there was uni. ive a ba degree in history from
hamline univ. in st. paul this was a big
mistake. all i wanted to do at that time is
travel. follow your heart for you are judged by your hearts rather than your heads. sweet
logic is fine but it is sweet only when the heart is in accordance w. the head. i once read of a person who rejected her father due to his overbearing insistence on logic. she shouldve contested his premises. its because the
starting points of his logic were not ones she agreed w. where we start w. our logic determines in large part where our logic takes us. he shouldve started w. his premises to see if shed agree w. them. either were in accord w. the starting point of our logic or the logic is poison to us. we should always examine our major premises. if a parent cant make the child
see the light the parent should forget the exercise. dont embitter your children w. your
subjective premises. at this point in history all premises are subjective. thats because we dont know everything. my travel mania early in life was
because i wanted to
find a better way of thinking/living. i hated the isolation of mn. looking back i also hated my
nuclear family. how i wish id been smart enough to see that back then. idve progressed much faster. i wanted to be sophisticated. travel & reading are the best ways to get hip. now i realise i can get the thoughts of
the worlds best people
wherever i live thru computers & books. i dont need to haul my bones around the planet. another thing i didnt like abt college
was it was sooooooo left wing. the left talks of equality. heres my take on equality. in the 20's or
30' there was a methodist preacher harry f. ward who was a communist & who
went to one of
the communist international conventions.
at the same time there was the communist methodist rev. albert a. smith in canada.
but he had the decency to start his own denomination. both were born englanders. isnt that a surprise. the mainline churches have been polluted w. communism. if youre a member of one
such church pull out. your money goes in part to support the world & national council of churches. these are among the most efficient backers of communism & worldgov extant. this sub rosa
usurpation of the old christian churches by marxism is one of the great scandals of the 1900s. some danish lutherans in denmark formed a born again mission within the lutheran
church in order to counteract the marxism. at hamline i was asked to preach a sermon at the goodwill industries in st paul. in it i decried the marxist takeover of the old protestant
churches. of course word of my message got back to the head of the religion (marxist) department thurman coss & he was mad. he had psychological problems due to his being raised in the backwoods of ky. in his area there was a
backwoods church that had a sign out saying 'revelation preaching every sunday'. religion does drive people mad. im an example. but ive worked up to a comfort level in religion. those people who can simply trust jc for their salvation or in my case run into the idea that i
am god make out all right. had
there been a birch chapter at hamline idve joined it & been quite
happy. but there was intervarsity christian fellowship a bornagain org founded at
cambridge u. in england. it gave me a mooring for my ys at college when i needed something to cling to (dont we all need this). i still communicate w. ivcfers dick & carol peik, bobby custer & jim busquirk (officially buskirk of white bear lake mn). jim became a psychiatrist. i told him that imo that was the equivalent of joining the mafia but that he
could redeem himself by doing nutritional therapy for mental illness or paranormal psychology or by psy'analising world leaders & minding his back. whereas many kids relieve their confusion thru
sex drugs booze & rock n roll i used the religious means. ive no regrets. i dont know what else i couldve done except perhaps self therapy. i was much too insecure to place myself in
the hands of another & i dont think this is wise even for adults. religion an ancient form of therapy is not for the faint hearted. 'if w. ALL YOUR HEARTS (thruout your lives this must remain in first place) ye truly seek me, you will not be discouraged'. in our little group at hamline only 3 kept the orthodox born again faith. i consider myself born again. but ortho
ba's dont consider me so. i dont believe in the doctrine that jc pays for our sins. to me the only way to get rid of sins is thru changing our identity into that of god. then the laws of the bible are irrelevant for theyve fulfilled their purpose of showing our weakness. if at the end of our lives all our sins are forgiven but our mind isnt changed the forgiven sins mean nothing. it is a god mind we should be looking for instead of trying & failing to follow a bunch of rules. then we can say i will be what i will be as we/god said
at sinai. were above criticism. we are then lost to the sin industry that religion is. ive always been a party of one. i must be tough. but im not ready to come to fisticuffs for my opins. im so out of the mainstream that in all the ys ive voted for presidents ive voted for only one winner. that was nixon in 72. i did wardheeling for him in st. paul. ive voted only once since 96. i just started a nanostate
party. no fees rules bureaucracy membershipcards. this is in line w. my nanostate party being anarchist tendency. even tho i voted for ron paul on the libertarian party ticket in 88 i cant support him in 08 for he doesnt want to beat up on the muz. ive read some of their history & think they must be rubbed out along w. the mafia they inspired w. their protection money idea. my landlord a red indian says carpet bomb the muz countries w. nukes. im happy to say that one of my french rellies charles martel was the first warrior that whipt their arses. later it was the crusaders. later still it was the mongols who took their world capital baghdad in 1258. even later it was the brits who took power from them in india. i dont know who got them out of the countries from greece up to austria but they lost those countries too. also the spanish drove them out of spain & portugal. for 60 ys the birch society has been warning us abt the rise of world government & they have been dead right. now even the left is using their material. most of my life ive been warning people that they must do
politics/religion to appreciate our fortunes as living beings. i dont think we all get to be fully god until the last person does. they must analyse everything they believe & make changes where they see the necessity of doing so. theyve not listened to me. for abt an hr after i heard of 911 i was shocked. but then it occurred to me that id been vindicated! i was right & the morons were wrong. i cheered after that hr. i was so happy! the morons on
site were stupid enough to work in a skyscraper & one that had been bombed in '93. people have been warning us of the dangers of skyscrapers since their inception in the 20s. there were even morons in wheel chairs working in the bldg. i know if i warn ye again ye wont listen to me so i wont bother. just coast down to hell & see if i care. currently the most visible object of the worldgov/nwo that the birch has been
warning abt & now alex jones is warning abt is the world trade org. no country has an appeal from the wto's decisions. the wto was going to get rid of cartels & tariffs. i dont see evidence of that. look at the oil cartel. why hasnt that been broken up. is that free trade. of course the
world trade org is not abt free trade at all. its abt regulated trade. but w. bullies like the oil nations the rules are suspended. of course the us has to abide by them all. but bush did put tariffs on steel for awhile. i want to get back to anarchy in trade. its much the best for the consumer. i believe in capitalism far removed from gov. just as i believe in religion far removed from the state. but the baloney abt complete separation of church & state should be reserved
to the mental hoz. in nature there is no absolute separation of anything from anything. now we have the bizgov complex. theres no distance here at all. i think corporations should be eliminated. no matter how evil they are they can be sued for only so much. theyve all sorts of benefits. the good part is that for nations w. veto power on the security council such as the us the wtos decisions can be ignored for military action cant be taken in that case unless the us oks it. but boycotts can be used against countries. the un wants to set itself up as a world government w. the power to tax all individuals & have its own military which no gov would have veto power over. if you want the blackest case for the worldgov conspiracy listen to alex jones. he has a m-f radio show or if you cant find it go to or if the un becomes autonomous well have to sweat the wto because the un would have tax & independent military capability.
i had one yr at
calvin seminary which i couldnt stand. it turned out to be neoorthodox when i.
orthodox. i was such a wimp when looking for a seminary that i didnt have the energy to check our its theological policy. what a disfunctional person i was. when i study a religion i want
to know what the orthodox interps
are. i can always tweak a religion to suite me. i dont need someone else to do so. these tamperers just muddy the waters of the original religion. religions always degenerate w. time. if one studies a tampered w. religion one doesnt get the satisfaction of learning what the primeval religion taught. i didnt do enough
checking into calvin sem i didnt like
the clubby dutch atmosphere there either idve been better off at westminster sem in philly it was more british in flavor but i got one good friend out of the experience george somsel who
has 2 postgrad theological degrees still he belongs to the episcopal church which helps support the wcc & ncc above named. he was raised bornagain. this shift to the old denoms often happens w. ba’s after they get lots of training in theology. hes working on a book on revelation. but im getting tired of his authoritarian ways & insult him we had a
showdown over my email screenname god almighty the only way well get back together is by me writing him at calvin my homosexuality was
on strong & i knew
i couldnt ignore its
demands much longer. at that
for life i swore off formal education. couldnt face another must read
book list. dr. marsh at hamline told me i didnt have to read every
word of books on book lists. good advice. speedreading is the way to go. if somethinggrabs you, stop & savor it & take a note or better yet
just know its stored in your subconscious. i

was heterosexual until 8 (this is the average age of switching of orientation) when my lack of skill on the baseball field was
laughed at by the other boys. i was laughed/mocked into homosexuality. now im mocking both heterosexuals & homos. i believe in celebacy. also i dont believe in recreational sex apart from masturbation. the latter may be necessary due to our need to eliminate bodily fluids. my lack of physical prowess was one of many causes of my homo'y. ONE VERY IMPORTANT LESSON: DEAL W. THE DERISION OF OTHERS DIRECTED AT YOU. give back as good as you get. i had a friend april willment of ridgewood nj who either never learnt this lesson or consciously rejected it. she goes into a snit when teased even at her advanced age. so people love to tease her. they really get a reaction from her. she should tease back. instead she goes into a sitcom style rant. i & others ive known have a tendency to be too stubborn to deal w. being mocked. such people make ourselves targets of derision. we must learn the parrying & thrusts of life. im learning this lesson fast. its really a subset of sarcasm which im a master at. i adore farce. but its very hard to pull farce out of ones data bank on immediate notice. the best radio talk i did was while lying in bed. it was a boring religion show. i had the rabbi in a pretzel over ayn rand. several times the stress of life in nj made me want to go thru a whole day expressing nothing but sarcasm. but i like this nj stress. it keeps my mind active. i notice oldsters there are much sharper there than in the hinterland. immediately i left seminary
to hennepin av. & 4th st. in minneapolis
to find a
gay bar. the second
bar i went into
was gay called the happy hour. before i go any further i must say that i never
fancied anal sex. most gays dont but of course people like to think the worst
of us. also except for one incident ive been celebate 21 ys. ive been celebate 54 ys out of 65. i never did fit into the gay life. i hold the traditional morality. in that sense im a conservative. but politically im an anarchist. the bar nextdoor (the one i went into first) was the gay 90s. they
featured a male cross
dresser w. a
foul tongue called lee
leonard. at the happy hour in a few mo i met clif weber of little falls mn who needed an
apartment mate. but he didnt fancy me as a love mate. he wanted weak lovers. people he could abuse w. his infidelity & drunkeness. i had too much backbone. i scared him. it was 1965 & i
fell in love.
he was boyish,
half red indian, lutheran & had
thought of going to seminary. but he wasnt
interested in me nor was he
interested in seminary when i met him. religion sex & other addictions go together in one who is
disturbed. the greater the psy disturbance the greater the addictions. those who have the tranquility to settle down to a career tend not to have the degree of addictions that the rest of us have. the latter
are looking for an easy fix to our unhappiness. clif had been seduced by a gay & LOOOOOOOVED the gay life! it alcohol & flirting became his life. w. his flirting he loved to
skate over the heads of those who were stupid enough to fall for it. gay bars are made for this type of fem guy. the type who flutters abt the bar in flash clothes & actions & torments the butch types who stand along the walls. these flirts are the ones sought after just as women are the
sought after in the straight world. i on other hand was one of the straights who felt burdened by homo'y. ive never accepted homo'y full heartedly. anyway clif & i were not a match. in '66 i started a fight w. him & bit him. this is the last time i bit anyone. i was living w. him & hed brought
home a trick & they did sex in the living room. its the last fight of my life i started. since then i just defend myself. close to the end of his life he found a soul mate who was a thief. clif liked to steal affection from people on false premises. he was a consummate flirt. i think they got quite a kick out of each others getting over on others. all sin is based on hatred of others. i think i fall in
love w. unavailable people because i dont really want the responsibility of a
lover. also i want to help the weak. in psychological terms i used to be the rescuer. ive given this up. the unconsciousness i call the superconscious. its our god nature striving to come thru.
its the counterpart to the subconsciousness, the dim consciousness of having diabolical/animal instincts. superconsciousness is not freuds name for it. its my name for it. it is the dim consciousness of being god.
with attempt no. 4 (see below) i was accused of playing games w. the
young mans feelings. how much we learn of ourselves when we fall in love! but for the
process to take full effect, the falling in love must be followed by the falling out of love. romantic love is an aberration from perfection. it takes one out of the balanced state. it takes a wise person to know ones motivations. romantic love is a bad kind of selfishness. also
love targets are usually extraordinarily troubled, never having made it out
childhood & coming from troubled homes. im also unavailable & troubled. i came from a troubled home. i want to put the pieces together from childhood. psy'ly i lost my dad & brother at a
very young age & i wanted to rerun that period i guess. i still contact the neighbors hoping to put things right during that era. and religion has troubled me greatly. thats its purpose. when i look at my drivers license photos i see a very troubled man. but official photos are notorious for making us look ugly. when i see myself in a mirror i look great. it could be that i an anarchist am agitated when i go into the drivers license place as i am when going into any state office. religion: comfort the troubled & discomfort the smug. this is the purpose of religion. both comfort & discomfort are found in the bible. ive come far enough in religion to see the light
at the end of the tunnel. this dualistic game is over for me. 'i will be what i will be'. this is what god said at sinai. it means god transcended the duality of good & evil. he who believes
he is god is above this duality. no one not even the bible can put a guilt trip on me.
how could anyone live on this planet without being troubled. but some are more troubled
than others. im one of the few who calls myself troubled. this means im less troubled who claim theyre not troubled. but i can always rise above the trouble. trouble is called mortal
mind in cs. its like a storm at sea. it is our normal state on earth. except when we get by ourselves & go into a meditative state. i looooooove to daydream. it produces excellent mental health. just turn on the news & youll experience mortal mind. stay away from the info
from the world & you get peace. some
people fall in love w. children. they find
the childishness very attractive. thats never happened w. me. i dont like kids except babies who dont yet know how to talk. its the sound track that bothers me w. kids. considering todays witchhunt for sex perverts its good i dont like kids. but i like adult
children. i like their delicacy, their sensitivity. their creativity. i call my life my crucifixion for my impossible love affairs. they remind me of jolie gabors (the gabor sisters mom) book detailing her love affairs. tell
someone how it is possible
to fall in love w. responsible adults. on second thought no i dont really want
a lover. i like
living alone best. dependency is bad. ive gone thru 6 crucifixions. in all but my last love attempt the words 'it is finished, the battle is
over' have come to me. i adore rabbits. i think theyre the most godlike of animals. theyre so gentle. i now have one. honey is more than enough stimulus. if i go to alaska i wonder how shell manage in my house while i go to town if the fire in the stove burns down & im detained in town & its 60 below. but im not going to give her up. i want to show myself that i can be faithful to a pet given my childhood problems w. pets. i started this bio talking abt my family. now im going on to my major love attempts. these 2 areas of life show my toxic symptoms better than anything else. no. 1,
clif, died
at 47 of
aids. he was a sex & alcohol
addict. its clear he had a death wish. in '68 at the cafe extempore after id got over him to some extent i started a gay bible study in the gay life of the twin cities. we had a professor at cretin hall a rc high school by the name of roger julkowski & a nun who were regular attenders. one of our members asked me what i intended to accomplish w. the bible study. i wanted to increase the spiritual life of gays in the area. we crawl before we walk & walk before we run. sex is one of the last vices to go in life since it is such a basic drive. another of the attenders was harold kahm an elderly jewish author. i saw one of his books in a window in jerusalem in '72. it was a dirty book. but he wrote a book on starting a business for under $100. he met gertrude stein in paris but said her genius didnt rub off on him. not all gays die young. harold died at 94. his jewish father left him a 4 plex so i dont think he worked a day in his life. he said he hadnt done sex in so long that he forgot how it felt. another long lifed gay was the humorist quentin crisp who made 87. in london in 1970 i found a french tutor
thru london
university whose name was
marie france
trelong from caen normandy france.
she fell in love w. me. she had come from a psychologically
abusive family (what does that say abt me..............denis hakanson of oz (not related) in learning of the personality of her husband said that she must like egotistical bastards)
& had spent time in a paris
mental hospital. this would have been
right up my alley (had i not been gay) what w. my trouble w. mom. she was working on a phd in sociology but she wasnt a com. today soc depts are full of coms. she had tea w. the then archbishop of canterbury twice (i asked her if they had cucumber sandwiches but she couldnt remember) & pushed paul claudel on me. he was a theist. she was so obsessive that she
contacted my next door neighbors at 58 lewin rd, streatham, london who lived miles from where she lived (near the goodge st tube station in central london)
used my neighbors return address on her letters i guess to impress me that she had contacts in the hood. once
while she was giving me a
lesson she fainted on the
floor she was so overworked over me or more properly her obsession of having a significant other. she lived in a subrented room in an apartment & once when the owners were away she had a dinner party for me & another couple. ive trouble considering myself a part of a couple. call it narcissism. imo we find out were alone except for that other that is the part of god we havent yet experienced. when the owners found out abt the party they were furious as the english often are about almost anything. i wasnt out of the closet at the time so
couldnt tell marie i was gay. i find that people w. the name mary or marie are very keen to marry. i find that rc's are very fond of marriage cuz of their worship of mary. honesty is the best way to kill these unwanted attentions.
one just lays ones cards out on the table as in a business deal & the
others compulsions go away. truth. later i tried truth w. another person & it worked. later she
married an oxford grad she had known
before me. hes played aleister crowley in the movie IN SEARCH OF THE GREAT BEAST 666. i was glad she had someone to fall
back on. now she does reflexology & aromatherapy. i keep in touch w. her. even her son knows i was a past amour of hers. i told him. i like to push the envelop. im very touched by people who have loved me or even invited me into their homes. also the slightest kindness melts me since ive known so little except from mom who influenced me in the suicidal direction. being as independent as i am i dont see how any sane person could love me except maybe to admire me from afar. im too strong. my second love was in new
in 1973. his name was john heim a german american catholic. very dashing, very
thin, very
crazy, very high on meth. germans seem to be the craziest of the rc's. remember hitler got his start
w. german rc'ism & was technically one himself. i think he still went to confession & mass up until '23 when he was 34. but he hated the passivism/pacifism of c'y. he liked islam better for its necrophilism (death violence). he even attended a rc choir
school as a boy. i wonder if all choirboys are as bloody minded as he was. maybe they are for they dont like being substitutes for women as they are in the eyes of some men. it was the northern & eastern germs who were prots & therefore less interested in hitler. they made the best canaries during the war. admiral canaris being the best example. germans routinely call themselves the smartest people on earth. why then do they put the gas port on the wrong side of their cars. ive been much wounded by the rcc's doctrine of mixt marriages. 2 of my uncles married rc girls against their moms wishes. my dads second cousin had only 1 child who married a rc & was forced to raise his kids the rc way. a cousin of mine was similarly treated. when a rc wants to marry a nonrc the rc goes to its priest to arrange for marriage & is told the only way the rc can have a rc marriage is by promising the kids will all be raised rc. rc's doctrine is that the rcc is the only true church of christ extant so naturally rc's want a rc marriage. so they put pressure on their nonrc lover to agree to let the kids all be raised rc. thus one of the most dear beliefs of the nonrc is trampled upon at the time of one of that persons weakest moments in life. isnt it precious when we protestants hear the words 'she changed religions for him'. what love! in other words he the big baby had to have it all his way & so did holy mother church. isnt it precious when we hear of rc deathbed conversions. the subject loved that church so much it waited until death to convert! marvellous. its abt time prots & jews organise & put pressure on holy mother church to quit this extortion. because of my love attempts romanticism is a thing ive
learnt to avoid as much as i can. its an illusion. the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. but romanticism is still very seductive w. me. i was once called the last of the romantics by a portrait painter in jackson square new orleans. r'm is the obsession w. the remote, even the
unattainable, the other.
bob dylan is perhaps the most shameless user of this shtik/gimmick that i know
of because he seemed to take his music serious (excuse the deleted -ly for one of my numberless crusades is to rid us of this useless suffix). strip away the romanticism from his act & theres nothing left. but thats true of poetry & music in general. its also true of idealism/ideaism something im addicted to. but i find use in idealism. couldnt live without it. one thing i like abt empiricists (physical scientists) is they arent romantics usually. they avoid that pitfal. so number 2 love target was john heim
of topeka, kansas. he
called himself straight & probably was/is. why did i go after him? he looked good & had a fascinating/hyperactive personality. he was very sensitive/vulnerable. drug people make extremely alluring love targets esp when theyre beautiful & young. one wonders how they can throw away their lives when theyre so beautiful. they cant stand before a mirror all the time. they have to look at us ugly people. maybe thats why they choose death. subject/object makes all the difference. i would go for the beautiful feminine guys for this reason but john had a masculinity of action. now im too smart for being drawn to others sexually. gays
suspect homosexuality in everyone. gays often dont worry abt the
sexual orientation of their targets. we think everyone can be made. remember were spoilt. we were told by our opposite sex parent that we were very special. gods gift to the world. we were the confidants of our opposite sex parents. all deviants of
whatever kind think everybody else does what they do or would like to. thus the world is made up of our kind of sinner. my infatuation was
doomed from
the start for he was a
meth/speed addict & extreme control freak. weak
frequently are addicts of some sort. mom was addicted to secrecy abt her deepest motivations being her contempt of her cowardliness & suicidalism. if we would get rid of secrecy in society we would greatly improve the world. each of us should work to rid our lives of secrecy. all libel & defamation laws should be removed from the books. then the cia & fbi would be required to post on the net all the info they had on various people. we would then cooperate w. them by providing info. then it wouldnt be so much fun to be a sociopath. i was so crazy abt john i tried to hire a helicopter in galveston
tx to take
out to the oil rig in the gulf where he was working. the agent of the company said he didnt take that kind of business. had i know then all i wanted was a pet idve saved myself lots of agony..once after i
offered to bring some beer to his apt he got his brother & a
friend & the three of them
jumped me & literally beat the shit out of me.
i went to the hozzie (i wasnt a christian scientist then) to see if
theyd cracked my skull. you think the gay life is easy? at this point let me
say that im only just passable as sane when im in love. ive seemed to know just how far i could
go without getting in trouble w. the authorities/tormentors. the key to not going into full schizophrenia is to keep a distance from ones beliefs. dont completely identify w. them. also dont think that your beliefs/ideas come from an evil source which you cant resist. from time to time ask yourself if you want to carry on w. your belief. ONE OF THE HARDEST LESSONS FOR ME TO LEARN IS THAT WERE NOT GUARANTEED A PARTNER IN LIFE. i tend to be compulsive. i make no apologies for it. a compulsive person has a great deal of life force. but we must watch our comp’ness when its directed at unreasonable goals. now im glad i dont have one a lover. i fly lite. i have always admired single people (dont we all?) as having more character than marrieds. remember the old maid teachers & librarians we used to look up to. i guess its the calvinism again. even though i reject the letter of calvinism i remain in the calvinist spirit.
my third love was in 1977 in st. louis
at the organic farm i
worked on. joe hembrow of florissant, mo was only 19.
gays tend to go for whatever turns us on. we dont look at the practical
implications. we should ask ourselves if a given rig would work? my target people never would work. he was an italian/irish catholic. it
disturbs me
that ive gone for so many rc's. does that mean
i love the rcc? rc's are so represt that they appear to be very
tractable. i think thats the attraction. they look an
easy conquest but arent. their tractability is only skin deep. its a survival act. they have to be this way in order to survive in the rc environment. i got
so frustrated i
accused him of having relations w. another boy on the farm.
one can see how now im a confirmed bachelor. the gay life drove me crazy. i think i bought into the idea that we each have one or more soul mates. if we find such we are happy. i now prefer to remain balanced between happiness & despair. im a survivor of it. id like to have a ministry to the gay. but im not wholehearted in this & i dont believe in orgs so the most id do is write a pamphlet (i wish the age of the pamphleteers would come back) on the subject. the most i want
in a lover now is for him to be a gifted & reliable pen/mouse pal. i never want to see him. ill stick w.
rabbits & teddy bears for
cohabitation/cuddling. no. 4 lover was in
1984 in hawaii
at the nuuanu
ymca on pali hwy.
goes across the mountains to the wet side of the island. it was an appropriate place for me for the pali is like embassy row of the worlds religions. theres even a tenri kyo there. thats japanese cs. mike laundra (i once did his laundry) of
southfield, michigan was a hyperactive (due to his obsessive coffee drinking) 19 yr. old
hispanic catholic from the detroit suburbs
adopted by anglo parents &
having the looks of a middle class hispanic
youth & the class of a middle
class white
anglo. he was a religious (born again) maniac. vous savez que les zealots ne sont pas sains/saints. hed
preach to anyone hed meet
the street. he often carried a golf club or tennis racket w.
him in case he got in trouble w. his
mouth. he loved to go to the honolulu
airport to
preach. one time we were walking barefoot along the road to the honolulu airport & he jumped
into the back of a pickup truck filled w kids. the kids were surprised but loved it. i wonder what the driver thought. hed
let gays pick him up for sex. in his preaching he warned gays that they would get aids. he died of aids at 28. this is a clear case of schizophrenia, a mind severely divided against itself & not able
to distance itself from the noise in its head in order to evaluate the ideas in its head from time to time. the important thing for clearing up ones head is to decide what main idea one likes best. then deduce its implications. then rid onself of contradictory idea. as for physical noise imo there is no worse pollution. govs use noise to break prisoners. hed go to bobs big boy down near the honolulu
dock & drink huge numbers of cups of coffee. bobs tops up coffee for no
extra charge. all the coffee you want for the same price. several times he
ended up in the
emergency room of queens
hospital in
& once was an
inpatient. while in hozzie he smoked
cigars & wanted me to bring him choco ice
cream which i did. he loved nyc (so do i but prefer the nj suburbs, my favorite place that ive
lived in so far) & worked in the russian tea
room. he was fired after 3
days for
staring at the customers. he thought he could impart the holy ghost to them by
so doing. after
abt 2 mo. he went back to the mainland. thats the way to get
rid of my unwanted attentions.
put as much distance between me & thee as thou canst. no. 5
was a 16 yr old in fiji
in the s. pacific. i was staying w. an indian moslem family (living w. families there is a good way to live cheap & is done all the time)
i was put
in the
same bedroom as munaf. moslems often have one name only. athis comes from their living in tribal rig. the tribal mentality causes them to be very antagonistic to members of other tribes. their religion glorifies killing making it their prime holy sacrament. if they could be persuaded to think of themselves as members of a nation mainly or better members of their religion mainly or members of the human race or best of all as god theyd be much more pacific.
but i think manaf used
his dads first name as a last name. so munaf rauf (pronounced rope) of
fiji. its on the n. coast of fijis main island.
you see i
pass for straight & rauf didnt realise (or he might have & didnt care) what he was doing by putting me in
his sons bedroom. nothing happened. in fiji
theyre very loose abt
sex. im sure its the indian influence. one can see teenage boys stroking their male
friends arses on street corners
& in public places boy/boy
lovers looking into each others eyes longingly. in rakiraki i knew of a
teacher who had one of his students as a lover. in the capital
suva grown men
will walk hand in hand which one he-man fijian did
w. me to the giggles of bystanders.
in one place i stayed in in fiji
their teenaged son had a live in boy lover w. their own bedroom. in india they practise purdah widely & this is a recipe for homo'y. they took it on when the muz ran suva i was warned not to go trolling in the open city market at nite but i did anyway & ran into bob a handsome melanesian man of abt 35 who offered me a stay at his compound in a suburb called lami in a grass shack. i stayed for abt a week. only one did i get a slite tease of sex. bob was straight but like me buying booze for him. the parents had died & were buried near the shack . the kids had an open sex oven going. theyd all eff their friends in the communal grass hut. 2 of the fellows who were lovers would go into town every day to rob. i was told that bob the leader of the family had killed someone. so once when he was in town i took off & stayed in a motel in town & was airbound for nadi the int’l airport the next day.
uncle yngve (my godfather & anarchocommunist) expects me to shift to heterosexuality
momentarily. his wife born karin hellzen (i call her givem hell hellzen) thinks this bio is too long. what do you think. do you want to keep a poor man from extending it to a book & making some money. since yngve (he quit going by his middle name some decades ago & now wants to be called by his first name erick so i compromise by calling him ey to his wife). a retired ob/gyn hes interested
in genetics, thinks its by far the most determinative influence we have & i imagine doesnt
like to see homo'y blighting the family. he had an uncle (my greatuncle) swan hawkinson who died in the anoka mn mental asylum. i wonder who uncle y thinks is the worse drag on the family
genetics. me or swan. at first munaf in fiji was infatuated w. me.
munaf & i once
a wrestling
match after which
he said he never been happier in his life. since hes indian i assume he
bisexual. in fiji i had a taxi driver proposition me. munafs eyes wandered (he was soon interested more in driving a tractor
than in first he was entranced by me)
& i got envious &
started to
criticise him. that ended the matter. at the time fijis travel poster slogan was 'fiji-the way the world should be'. i laugh ironically when i think of that slogan. the year after i left, fiji did a coup.
there was lots of hatred between the indians & the melanesians. the 2 groups are abt 50/50 of the population. at that time i was an atheist lite &
rauf's family wasnt religious either. so they wanted me to represent them at the mosque! they didnt know i was an atheist.
i didnt represent them. it seems that in places w. horrible race probs the orwellians advertise such places as paradise. theyre paradises if you like racial fighting. love no. 6 was in hackensack
nj. you can read him abt
later. ive too many
interests to settle
down to a career or lover. ive never accepted the idea that a career or a family is the meaning of life. to me a career is a jail
sentence & so is having a family. theres more freedom in jail than in a career.
how can anyone w. a love obsession be any good at a career or a family. love cant be fenced in.
its as large as the universe. a love obsession for one particular person shows an insecurity which cant be satisfied by love from that person for as soon as the 2nd party gets distracted from the insecure one the latter goes crazy. this phenom was shown in the play la cage aux folles. insecurity is also as big as the universe. 'trust not the arm of flesh'. were all more or less insecure. therefore we make imperfect lovers. the 'love' rig wants to be sealed off from the universe. marriage to me is a business
relationship more than anything. good marriages are based on the business first idea. this shouldve been princess dis mod op if she really wanted to be queen one day. the
only career im interested in is being god. having a career has never been on my agenda. i dont
like putting my oversensitive feelings out there w. others & having to parry & jibe to get feeling good again but i do it anyway cuz i like a certain amount of stimul. on the 1-10 autistic scale im abt a 3. imo all mental illnesses accompany each other. autism is one way of coping w. schizophrenia. it avoids all
confusion by living in a world of its own. it doesnt try to understand others or have empathy for them. my generation got mercury from the vaccines which poisoned our nerves. that & the mercury fillings. now when a filling drops out i dont replace it & i say i just got
healthier. but its not enough to get rid of the mercury in ones teeth. one must also get rid of it in ones cells. vit c & imo all the antioxidants can accomplish this. if one can afford it i think dmso chelation does the best job. sweden banned mercury fillings in 2001. they will be banned here too. careerists are deteriorated children. wouldnt it be wonderful if we could retain our youthful energy/freedom forever. energy is life. theyve lost their spontaneity. im tempted to try to get a radio talk show. ive been on ny talk radio 85 times & was known by bob grant (the biggest in ny at the time) of wabc & wor who i
called the most. im whimsical.
undiscipline is part of being gay. a disciplined
person ignores
ones heart. we gays dont ignore our hearts. this is the best thing abt us. i believe the heart is
thing that must be obeyed. by obeying it we burn off bad karma. we are
crucified. we learn the hard way which is the only way. that purifies us. people who read in the bible they shouldnt do certain things & deep down wish to try these are hypocrites. they sit in the
pews & await the return of the master. they have yearnings but i think they sit on them & their pews & their arses.
if we dont obey our hearts we are hypocrites. if our hearts steer us
wrong well soon find out what is wrong w. our lustings. of all the
love targets
i did sex
only twice & that was w. no.1! an awful lot of pain & no gain except
experience. i mustve been one hell of a homo in my last life & came back to burn it off. either that or i ridiculed gays & am being paid back, made to know what it is to be gay. ive had only one
encounter in 20 ys. im celebate. i really doubt ill do anymore of the gay thing. w. my conservative mores i just didnt fit in. i was thrown off a gay forum for conservatis. one of the greatest contributors
to being gay is to
have a too close connexion w.
the same sex parent. too much of
opposite sex hormone in utero can cause it. it could be genetic. it could be we have bad genes & dont want to
pass them on. it could be the
perceived overpopulation of the world. it could be the unwillingness of one to submit to the stress put on us by biology/having children. it could be having too strict parents who gave the message that sex is wicked & begetting kids is too. this is at the unconscious level. parents of either sex
shouldnt get too close
to their
kids so
the kids dont get too tied down to that parent. thats what happened to me. tom
said i was tied to my mothers apron strings. he was dead right. parents who have character
shouldnt have confidants least of all a favored child. open honest people dont have special confidants. all the world is my confidant. to have no secrets is to be safe. secrets breed evil. look at governments esp spy agencies. we pay lots for the fbi & cia. for our money we should get all the info that they get put on our computer screens. our enemies exploit our secrets. i have opinions on almost everything. you can see the link to some of my opinions at the bottom of this bio. when i dont have an opinion on something i feel my mind is going away.
if kids are unhappy w. their parents they should be told they
can set up alternative living arrangements. i
believe life is ideally
contractual. if we are spiritual beings
parents shouldnt think they own their kids. god is the owner & we are god. the kids are god. we need to get rid of hierarchy. but as long as parents are paying the
upkeep the parents have the right to manage them. but
kids should have the right to break that contract w. others for upkeep lest they be
slaves not god. you might think that this would make the kids proud & unmanagable. so be it.
better theyre proud than deprest. they have to learn to walk on their own feet sooner or latter. i think orphans are prolly the best adjusted kids there are. apart from those who are told we are god. if you want stellar kids make up your mind even before
you conceive them that they are god.
as for careers (apart from being homosexual) as long as i can get along on my ss
check thats what ill do. i think its the minim for retirement. if i cant get on, ill have to take a part time job. its very
unspiritual to take orders from someone. its slavery. were god. were answerable to
no one. still
there are governments which punish people whether they believe theyre god or
not. it could be that govs are abt to go under the water. i hope the world is ready. i write very nasty letters to my pols & i dont get punished or answered. w. a 12% approval rating of congress at a certain point in 07 i know theres not much credibility left. i
met a chap here in hotsprings who was in penitentiary 5 ys
who believes he is jesus christ. by his account hes very good to fellow prisoners. i think he feels hes doing a ministry. the underclass is more receptive to the good things than the upper class. most of india
believes its god. but its lip service. there this advaita idea sometimes goes into atheism which is a low energy state to be avoided. not only that but the hindu idea of the source of all brahman is sometimes pictured as the stuff of which everything is made & sometimes
is pictured as a sleeping god who dreams everything into existence. i stick w. the jehovah (i transliterate it ehuh) idea of god. a god of activity. also i can slip into the impersonal god id. the god that is the ground of being. whatever suits me at the time. i want to go on after death w. my memory bank intact but w. total consciousness to go w. it, the consciousness of being god. the famous
communards in summerland, tn called the farm believe they are god. but theyre pushing it too fast. they believe that since theyre god they should act collectively as one. thats all right if there is no head honcho. but there is. his name is steven gaskin. in the flesh we still have lots of individuality which is necessary cuz most of the world doesnt believe it is god & is interested in subjugation of
others. a friend of
mine here in hotsprings mt jackie kington believes shes god. people who dont believe theyre god are bound to stumble more than we do.
longterm im an anarchist. anarchism & we are god (advaita aka udwet)
go well together. since were all god we dont need governments. in fact we must not have them in order to function to the fullest of our capabilities. rules are for fools, laws for jackdaws. this phrase
original w. me. you can use it without attribution. i think itd be better to call govs securities. since so few people today believe theyre god
it is too soon to go to anarchism. this would produce chaos. i wish the democrat news media wouldnt speak of anarchy when they mean chaos as in after a natural disaster. anarchists dont want chaos. govs are no insurance against chaos. in fact they often cause it in the cases of false flag ops & monetary chaos in order to further their aims. imo the great depression was caused & lengthened by the bankers so they could foreclose on loans & expand their real estate holdings. also it furthered the growth of gov thru the welfare state making people dependant on gov & lessening the risk of uprisings. chaos & philosophical anarchism are almost antipodean. i love doing original math. ive made abt
to the encyclopedia of integer sequences. youll see my name in yellow. the ones i originated have my name at the bottom titled author. id like to space out in a cabin in alaska for the arctic winter never leaving the cabin & letting my mind soar. this is what nirvana is. a total spaceout. theres nothing that turns me on more than letting my mind soar/getting spaced out. my main interests have always
been religion & politics. these topics have never been
popular as chat items in the us (they are in france the land of philosophers...the french have done very well in generating most of their electricity nuclearly) & that is why the world is
in the
mess its in. my double third cousin once removed patricia ducros has a daughter named francoise ducros who was the communications director for pm chretien. she sparked an international incident in 02 when she called bush a moron. i applaud her for her gutsiness. im a near absolutist re freedom of speech. ive been banned from the hotsprings senior bus for talking politics & religion. or rather for having lost my temper over having been given a caution over same. if jc or ben franklin wanted to get on theyd be denied entry. it seems that anger is in the
process of being outlawed in the us. imagine if it had been outlawed at the constitutional convention in 1787. in montana it is illegal to have a loud public argument. the fingerprints of the nwo are all over such laws. another good example is the terroristic threatening laws. things are almost at the point now where its illegal to lose owns temper. this is the nwo in action. it wants to make cows out of us. notice i said cows not bulls. i could get back on the bus by signing an affidavit that i will not talk p&r. but im a
fanatic for free speech. i believe we should have free speech tribunals all over the country/world to serve penalties for those who try to prevent free speech. never will i sign away my lst amendment rights. people are afraid to deal w. the passions that such talk raises. im not afraid. i deal w. the passion by telling myself & my interlocutors that my ideas are only my opinions. this is one of the jewels of c'n philosophy. that
we should think of our own ideas as not binding on other people. imagine if the muz believed that. wow what arguments such a statement settles. michael savage does the same & he & alex jones are easily the most fiery of the radio talkers. they are my
favorites on political talk radio. jones dumps on savage but wait til savage goes to work on alex. right now savage has his sights set on cair the muz pressure group. my favorite radio show is the nitely paranormal show. if id get an opportunity to have a radio talk show id jump at it.
judeochristian/western philosophy has brought us to subjectivism. this is quite an achievement. islam (salami...i always use insulting words when dealing w. salami for it is imo an evil excrescence upon the earth) is still far removed from subjectivism even in its philosophical expression & may not get to subjectivism until salami is removed from earth which i pray will come soon. then all the perverts will go into leftist
politics. there will be no criminal religion to go into. it is the height of elegance in arguing w. another to desist from trying to shame the other into ones own beliefs. one should just say i believe in xyz & let the matter go at that. only the other person can change its beliefs in its own good time. if all the world would practise this wed have a much more peaceful world. jc believed each person has a right to its own beliefs without a need to justify them. he never used force to change someones opinions. he used force only upon those ideas/demons that his patients couldnt throw off. their own power. after politics/religion (moral science) psychology language history & math are my faves. im a
hindu (we are god) & a
the order of the latter is the chronological order i believe they will occur in. in my universe the far
left is total statism
(fascism, communism, islam & increasingly 'liberalism'/socialdemocracy). ive quit using 'liberal' for leftists cuz liberal is a wonderful word meaning free. in europe & australia today they call people who are for free capitalism & against the welfare state liberals. liberalism is
a movement that peaked in the 1800s. what happened. why did it subside. because the people then didnt see the dangers of everexpanding statism. many had suffered under the extreme statism of europe but they thought it could never happen here. were now so tangled up in statism that all most can do is shrug.
conservatives are far more liberal than so called liberals are for the former stress freedom of speech & the 'liberals' are for speech codes everywhere. even the religious right are more liberal than the leftists. if the rr could control the towns theyre a majority in theyd be satisfied & i think their strictures would be acceptable to most americans. im surprised there isnt a speech code in my current public library. so i call
'liberals' leftists. they believe in statism. they have to believe in statism because only statism can take from those who have more & give to those who have less. under anarchism only robin hoods could accomplish this.
to me the right is anarchism. leftists say capitalism has to have a government for cap'm to work. rightists say anarchocommunism has to have a gov for it to work. anarchism has never been tried (except in the period of the judges of post conquest israel) so we wont know what works until weve tried it. anarchism could be tried out in certain areas of the world along w.
statism if the states would allow it. this concess would take pressure off states by given the discontent an op out. lets let the lid off resentment by having nanostates in various states around the world. the trouble w. the world today is democratic countries want to be all things to all people. i believe in narrow band democracy. thered be limits to the range of policies parties in each country could hold. this would put an end to the endless/futile squabbling that goes in when theres too wide a range of the political spectrum. countries should make it easy for people to relocate who fall outside the allowed you want honest elections. heres how to get them. anarchocommunism has the problem of harmonising comm’m w. anarchism. on the spectrum that rightists use the 2 are the reverse of each other. the closest to anarchocommunism that could be achieved is tiny communes that would have no leaders. the general population would take votes on issues & the results would be binding. after the election thered be no supreme court to say ‘im sorry this provision is unconstitutional.’ the chairman of these councils would change frequently so that every member of the commune would have a crack. i wouldnt mind putting anarchy on the left & totalgov on the right as long as theyre on opposite ends of the spectrum. but more & more left has come to
mean increased statism. hitler is the only collectivist/total statist who is put on the right. i put him on the left. ideologues of the right always put him on the left. recently i heard a caller to the rush limbaugh show do this. rush believes the spectrum is horseshoe shaped so that extreme left & extreme right are close together. this gives a sense of futility to politics imo. the confusion comes in that
nazism was called rightist since hitler seemed to be adamantly opposed to communism. all anticoms were put on the right because since the french revolution regressives have been put on the right & progressives on the left. comm'm was seen as
progressive & therefore put on the left. nazism was seen as regressive & put on the right. also the left wanted to soil the right w. nazism. in those days (the thirties) it was only the left that had the brains. now that the right found they had brains/selfconfidence it is their job to revise the drole spectrum inherited from the left. but most ancient govs were totalitarian. the total state is nothing new. most ancient systems were total gov esp ptolemaic egypt which even had leveling of income levels. the inca system was pure communism. one thing is sure. no system has eliminated all privileged classes.admittedly it was few ancient systems that had income levelling. what then is so modern abt com'm. one of them is the abolition in theory (but it doesnt work in practise) that no individual shall own any business. raoul castro owns a huge
amount of business. i guess thats how fidel dealt w. the threat of overthrow from his brother. com’m in its pure state never did exist in cuba or anywhere for the leaders always had more than the subjects. shitler copied the total state idea from com'm. he even used red in his flag. he gloated that hed beat them at their own game. so lightweight thinkers & scam artists put nazism on the
right end of the spectrum. most rightwingers today put nazism on the left as i do. if we can successfully accomplish this we will have gained tremendous leverage for such would end much political confusion. left/right is about degree of gov. intervention in
the political unit. the other
variable/parameter in politics is the
geographical size of the political unit. i like tiny states. i
devised the concept &
name nanostatism.
are tiny states. 30 million of them
globally. if the geographical size is kept very small say no more than 5 square mi people would automatically leave if the state gets too crowded. so a population limit is not necessary. the main thing is to keep them small in area. since the us is now so divided lets start the fission process by dividing the country into 2. a left 7 a right country. im tired of the incessant same old fighting. i would hope nanostates wouldnt last long for small communities produce small minds. people would soon experience claustrophobia. i hope that anarchism would break out all over. w. me the big picture is to get people self reliant & god identified (but these things cant
come by force) so we can go to anarchism. imo any system that is shot into existence is going to fail. its shocking that there are 152 people for every habitable square mi of earth & in arriving at this number i didnt account for antarctica being uninhabitable. so id guess there are abt 170 people per sq mi. presently. to me this is beyond reason. all countries should start fining couples harshly who have more than 2 children.
tiny states mean something for everybody. probably all the world will never be convinced of
communism or social democracy so lets have a multitude of
states so therell be something for everyone. its not just economics/politics
that we should have freedom of. its racial, linguistic, religious, sex
orientation, alcohol, drug, motorcycle, dog, barbeque (i dont like barbies for the pollution they cause),
motorcycle, education policy & more. my anarchism comes from being bullied
abt by my
father who nearly killed me at age 4. i think it was that i had smeared boogers on the wall of my bedroom. i ran for the bathroom but before i could get the door locked he burst thru & got down on the floor like an animal & beat the shit out of me. mom said shed call the cops if he ever did that again. he
then disowned me. this was his way of getting back at me. & did he get back at me & i at him! usually ive been doing the opposite of what he believed in since then. one time he said to mom 'youve really got something there' referring to me. he meant that since she didnt want him to
have the power of god over me that she had to take responsibility for my actions & my very being. there are times when he wouldve glady killed me & that wouldve been the end of his bad gamete. when i was 3 he had got a new pet (my brother). before that he loved me. wed go out in the garden & id have one
of his fedoras on. i had to be just like him. it is very common in christdom for a father to reject his first born son, a motif of christianity. in c'y it was the first born son of god who was the sin bearer of the whole family of god. in edipalism we see the son rejecting the father so that the son can be the
uncontested partner of the mother. both themes were operative in my case.
one of the best things that
ever happened to me was his rejection of me. it made me tough. able to think for myself. in religion i lookt for my true father. my brother &
i have been in a power struggle
since he was 2 & i 5. he has low self esteem. hes quite smug when hes alone or w. family. but as soon as theres friction he like mom goes quiet. he liked & i think identified w. hyacinths tattooed motorcycle riding brother in law on keeping up appearances. there can be no reconciliation in this life for i am way ahead of him religiously (to me religion & politics are all that count) & i doubt hell catch up. not unless he goes thru what is called in math a discontinuity. he & his wife are clueless abt
psychology. how can one live in the 2000s & not know psychology. i
think my
forced (im against forced education) leaving
the house for school made
j think id
abandonned him which is the worst thing one can do to
another. it creates a fierce entirely opposed to forced education & the programming that the state enforces upon kids thru it. also toms actions toward me told james that i was no good. toms brother george also thought i was no good. but toms brother harry said he loved me. for abt 3 ys ive sent him a six page letter each month. our childhood in
provincial minnesota
made me anxious to get out of there. both james & i want to change the world. tina hates this aspect of him. for so long i
suffered 'nice'
mn & its intellectual stagnation. much of the interior of the us is like that...the coasts are more
progressive. here is a contradiction in my mind. for im a moral conservative. yet im an anarchist longterm. the interior of the country is conservative. yet i like the ne coast better than the hinterland. i have no answer to this contradiction except that im now living in the hinterland state montana. the ugly face of high statism is just beginning to show itself now as gov goodies are being accompanied by rules. eg now that we have gov health guarantees we must wear seatbelts. smoking has been nearly abolished for it causes high health costs to the gov. there are attempts to force people into veganism. i believe in & am a vegan. but i dont like to see force used. we should have plebiscites to solve these sticky problems as switzerland has. people in the south were forced to abandon slavery. but itd have been better had they come to see the wickedness of it themselves. the idea here is the consent of the governed mentioned in the dec of independence. if you
have a better resolution to my contradiction please let me know. its time for righties in progressive areas to demand nanostates in those areas where they can escape from the predations of the welfare state. i expect the muz will find
minnesotans pushovers as the muz seek to
their top dog statusin mn. ill laugh my ass off if sharia law is forced on mn. then they either lift up their asses to allah 5 times a day or pay the jizya tax & have all kinds of restrictions placed on them. hahahaha. cant wait. itll be my
revenge. im very vindictive as was my one time mentor john calvin. either the above or mns will find their balls. to me minnesotans in public life (in the nuclear
family its a different story) dont have
any self respect. not even jc would take the abuse they take
publicly. but it comes from cowardice. the pacifism that comes from
cowardice is a different thing from that which comes from bravery. the whole person must be looked at. a do gooder may be so doing out of a very bad conscience or out of fear of man or god. the fear of god is the beginning of wisdom but not its end. the mafia & criminals such as john gacy did splendid good works. but if you look at the whole picture you see an ulterior motive. since the hindu subgods are lacking in the fullness of god they dont have any reality/goodness for me. i dont see any bravery in mn at all. for all their priggishness mn's are not in
the same rank of idealism as jc or gandhi. theyre pacifists out of cowardice. ever hear of any mn war heroes?
my brother james quit
communicating w. me after i
made some bland negative comments abt him & his wife to
his daughter in 94. ive
never got on w. his wife. neither she nor i have ever so much as lifted a finger to please the other. i like it that way. i dont want to pretend. i just sense thered be no chance of me being a balanced duo w. her.. she
seems to want people to fall before her &
her. shes a shrew. ive seen them only abt 10 times since they
got married in 1968 & the kids maybe 5 times. their daughter christine viciously criticises the
devil for having taken me over & robbed her of an uncle. shes one of these christians who sees a devil far more powerful than i god & wants to kick the devil into hell. its called cornball c’y. c’y could concievably gutter out in this manner w. the ignorant. i think she may be mentally ill. shed better do some work on herself right away before she gets crazier. when she communicates w. me i think she thinks shes communicating w. the devil. imo she was raised to be a princess. most of her life shes lived in the country very isolated.
ive written her one letter in all my life & before i sent it she said shed contact the police if she got one from me. this is the same person who one year before at age 13 cried bitterly when she heard i was leaving mo & going back to nj after caring for my mother. does this sound a sane person.
i didnt commune w. my niece & nephew when they were young for i knew james & sharnie would watch every word i sent them or question them abt what i said on the phone. hes a control freak. so am i. in abt '77 after i made an inflammatory
remark james & his wife got up & tried to chase the demon out of me. they came at me w. that 'in the name of jesus' crap. i dont think they were successful. im still the same. only worse in their eyes. does anyone want me to change. it aint gonna happen unless i see the advantage to
me of the change. the intellect is the only valid approach for me. mass hysteria as in religious meetings doesnt work w. me. imo pentecostals either fall prey to group hysteria or will to be wild so they can let off steam. christina like many christians give the
devil too much power. the devil is in the employ of me god. imo the devil is our own nonperfect motives. if we look at all people even the difficult ones as essential elements of my/gods plan well find living easier. these bedeviled c'ns are like the zoroastrians who believe that good & evil have equal & separate power. this is called ontological dualism as opposed to
hinduism/cs which are monisms. actually c'y is monistic too for the devil does gods dirty work. jc was accused of being under the power of the devil & the orthodox jews still believe he is the antichrist. around 79 james thru away my favorite childhood teddybear. how many trials did that teddy get me thru! i told him i could never forgive him for this. yet im always
ready to talk to him. i never cut anyone off completely. how can people say they forgive someone & refuse to talk to that one. but i usually go passive w. those who offend me. to me this is the least one can do to forgive. one of my relatives prince charles never goes on a trip without taking along his favorite childhood teddy. this habit runs in the
family. i know charles is not known to be playing w. a full deck. im not either. but i prefer my mind to any other. ive worked hard to get to where i am. i know the mountains ive climbed the decisions ive made & the insites ive got. its been an organic process. why would i want to stop this work of art ive been working on for 65 ys. after id gone to fl in '83 jamie (ive never given up calling him by his childhood name for he hasnt yet earnt my respect) threw away all my memorablia from the first 41 ys of my life including all my considerable religious book collection. to me it was a
ritual killing of me. the only thing i did that he has ever thanked me for was that i pushed him to accept jc as savior & turned him on to algebra. the only thing he saved from his holocaust were my unpublished books. he has never apologised even tho i think apologies are always fake & dont accept them. deathbed
conversions & pleas for forgiveness are things i have contempt for. show me a changed life & ill forgive. i dont plan to ever again entrust him w. any of my belongings. another thing that bothers me abt. my brother beyond
inarticulateness is his worship of women. he seems to think females are exempt
from sin. this type of man can become uxorious or in the vernacular hen pecked. i cant be fairly called a woman hater since 2 of my major
gurus are women. mrs eddy & ayn rand. & my hatred of men that i dont like is diabolical. i worked hard for prez. blowjobs impeachment. i spent lots of
money on phone calls to mn to get people to sign an impeachment petition but nobody there signed my petition. i got most of my signs from nj. in mn mr. gasperlin told me never to call again. mr. fuhrman slammed the phone down on me. mr. remmick got his back up &
started puffing. he didnt go into the snorts though. another thing that james is inordinately fond
of is money/moolah. the dix dont have the origin of this word. but in heb it means circumcision. for many the parting of money is as painful as a circumcis. the love of money is the root of all evil. this i truly believe. its not just
words from the bible. it is this love that fuels the mad statism of our time. it fuels the luciferianism of our time too, the idea that individuals can attain physical immortality & extravagantly expanded cit & can put lesser humans to death to give the former more living room. the luciferians are powerful in the nwo. statism is seen as the protector of riches. i hope statism will soon burn itself out. for the reason of my love of religion/ultimatetruth even though im very
insecure im not a money idolater. after
10 ys of silence/snit james got prostate cancer & then i was good enough for him...for 2.5 months. then he shut me down again. ive been shut down since jan 05. i feel i god judged between me & him w. the cancer. ive told him abt
the bienfaits of supplements but he usually does the opposite of what i say. even tho hes younger i think hell die before i do. of course he will. im living an open ended life. ill live as long as i want to & stay in good health all the time. james again cutting me off mustve
been due to me saying something he didnt like. hes a sensitive plant. on our grand tour of europe a bus companion called him touchy. i dont know what it was i said for i just speak my mind & shame the devil. what a baby he is! just abt anything i say is offensive to him. hes a control freak but in my weak moment after momma kikis death he tried to get me to live in a town near him right after mom died. imo he was trying to form a little empire. his kids have been raised on farms in comparative isolation & i think hes subcon given them the message of us 4 & no more. iow everyone else is tainted. look our for them. for that reason i doubt his kidsll ever get married. in 91 he proposed collaborating w. me on a linguistic program. i dont like working w. people. i like doing my own thing. besides by 91 time thered been too much h2o over the damn..weak people like him
(many dont communicate well & are into toxins & rock n roll) shouldnt force
to communicate w. those (esp relatives) they cant stand up to. the strains of
marriage & kids
are enough. i dont believe in tempering the wind for the shorn lamb or
suffering fools gladly. for 5 ys i was an episcopalian/anglican. i sang in a c of e church at blackheath eng. i judge harshly & am judged harshly. this is just what i want. i dont want to get by w. crap. dont we all admire people who can stand up for what they want. when both parents are
dead, siblings tend to drift
apart. its rare to have lateral family
get togethers after grandma & grandpa or mother & father
die. family reunions may kick in once in awhile to fill the void. many people
refuse to write me for my harshness. but there are many who will accept
letters from me. but they dont respond. i dont accept that letter writing is an antique that should be discarded. what abt people who dont use computers. should they forget the fine art of writing. they find me too intelligent to spar w. they
dont have the
energy to answer. there are relatives who wont let me
have their email
addresses. i consider that an insult. if they dont like my email they can always block me.
i know im way out of the mainstream so people dont know how to respond
to me. theyre morally/intellectually lazy slobs,
amoebae, interested mainly in bragging rights abt their homes & kids & where
theyve gone on vacation. in the end i win for ive a plan the plan of thinking of myself and others as god. so far its impossible for me to think of others as god. but i think our lovely neighbor on nevada av hazel chadwick was god & she thought of others as god. her granddaughter connie osterkamp wont take my calls for i try to encourage connie to carry on in the tradition of her gran. connie is born again & clings to it like glue. many bornagains wont even consider the logic of ideas they never before been confronted w. both of her parents were alcoholics so she had it hard. i hope
im stepping on some feet. you see how judgmental i am. i can afford to be since ive already
judged myself. no one can destroy me thru a vicious attack for ive no unspoken or subconscious sins that i know of. if i find some ill let you know & you let me know if you see some you think i may be unaware of. if someone would tell me of sins im not aware of id be delighted. we have a world muz problem of great
proportions & people dont dare battle them even on the net. the muz are winning this war. but dont count out c’ns yet. when wars against totalitarians start the totes seem to be winning. but then the power swings back to us believers in human rights. believe me i give
the muz hell on the net. ive even challenged a couple of them to cut my neck off. check out i post under the name god. my first good job was at the north central home office of prudential life in mpls. i was using the job only to pay rent. its hard to imagine
anything more boring than insurance. i liked teasing the yomen (my word for young women). ive always been a flirt. as a newborn i winked at my moms mom as she held me. she predicted i was going to be a flirt. prudential was a high pressure job & after 9 mo. i was told i was producing
only 75% of what i should. the guy who had proceeded me had been there i think 10 ys. big

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About Me

b.a. history hamline u.,mn 1 yr. calvin seminary, mi